Friday, July 24, 2009

A Heavy Heart and an Open Mind

These past few years God has been trying to teach me to slow down and prioritize. I am used to sprinting when I need to be in a marathon. I have always put to much on my plate and too much pressure on myself. After all we are supposed to be perfect right? So when Kyle and I got married things did not change. He was in grad school and I was working. There was never a shortage of things to work, school work, go to work (I even worked 2 jobs for awhile), travel, go to social events, and the list goes on and on. Well, with all these things on my list it left very little time to just just be with God and to just be with Kyle. I just could not say no. Well, then we moved. This helped a little but of course we "needed" to search for a house and we "needed" to go to as many Auburn games as possible. Then we got the house and then almost immediately found out we were expecting our first child. Of course with pregnancy came morning sickness and then there has been the nesting to prepare for our newest addition. So finally, God says enough to me. Enough running around and making your long lists that take away from me and away from your last few months as just a family of two. I am taking away your ability to run all over town and the country. It is time for you to rest in me. I will show you what is important and what needs to be done. And I will make it all happen. I have provided you with a help mate who truly does want to help you. Let him help you and you in turn focus on me and your marriage to him. Of course, I do not give in easily because I just cannot fathom watching my husband run around doing everything while I rest. I "need" to do chores right? Wrong! I am constantly being stripped of myself. I am being forced to realize that my success comes not when everything on the list is checked off but when I put God and my husband first. Everything I built up as priorities is crumbling at my feet. I am paying the ultimate cost by putting my list ahead of God and my husband. I realize that now is the time for me to learn this lesson. Now is the time for me to put God and family first. I always think I am putting my family first when I complete my list but their needs are not always met by my list. We all have a different love language. So if I don't submit and humble myself before God now I will raise my daughter up to follow in my footsteps. As much as I want her to see me as "superwoman" I want her to see that "superwoman" knows how to prioritize. Life can change quickly so "superwoman" must realize the true meaning of life and what is really important. This post is a little different than most (I hope it makes sense) but I just have such a heavy heart right now. One of my best friends, Sarah, lost her dad this past week to cancer. He was young and in great shape and it all just happened so quickly. It just makes me realize that tomorrow may be too late. I cannot keep putting off this change that the Lord wants to make in me. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."


kpmantooth said...

Good luck in finding this balance, friend. I imagine that you will have good and not-so-good seasons. She will see you as a superwoman, but most of all, she wants to see you! (That is as much to you as it is myself.) :)

Ashley said...

lmac what a wonderful place God has you. Your time of rest. Love you. And yes I finally picked up my computer yesterday!